I originally wrote this during a work trip last year with the programme I worked for at the BBC. I thought I had posted it, but for some reason, it either was live and later taken down by an editor, or more than likely, I was just so tired I never posted it. But if you ever are on a United Express Flight and have Grant as your flight attendant, you’re in for a treat.

After flying several times, the flight safety demonstration usually washes over you like the white noise during flight. But not with Grant our intrepid flight attendant on the trip from New York to Detroit.

You first got a sense that things might be slightly different as Grant gave the details of our brief flight.

“Total flight time will be about one hour and 23 minutes, and we’ll be cruising at an altitude of 30,000 feet. Basically really high and really fast.”

And it just got funnier from there. Weather in Detroit, he said “is cloudy and cold”.

But once he got into the flight safety demonstration is when he really got rolling.

He told us that we would have to turn off all “cell phones, iPods, blackberries, strawberries and basically anything else with an on-off switch.”

And his delivery was so dry that you really had to pay attention to catch that he was saying anything out of the ordinary from the standard safety demo.

I don’t think that many in the plane actually caught when he said that failing to take your seat cushion – which doubles as a floatation device in the event of a water landing – renders it useless.

But then again, it would have been hard to miss when he said:

“If you are seated next to a child or anyone exhibiting child like behaviour, put on their mask before putting on your own. If you are seated next to more than one child, you’ll have to pick your favourite.

“And if a mask fails to drop down, I will gladly sell you one.”

I wonder if the price was slightly more than the $3 snackbox or the $5 bottle of wine or beer.

And like all good comics, Grant threw in a bit of self-deprecation.

“I will now dim the cabin lights for takeoff and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendant.”

Thanks Grant. After a rather stress filled 36 hours, we needed a bit of light relief.

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